Things I Never Asked For and Do Not Want


1. The pile of bricks my ex brought home from Restore when I wanted to re-landscape my backyard, bought without asking because they were a good deal, $150 worth of bricks I still have not paid him for, will never pay him for

2. A familial predosiposition towards anxiety

3. Phone books delivered to my driveway

4. That time another ex was breaking up with me and on our way out of the bar, in one swift motion that astounded tipsy, weeping me, she pushed me through the door to the bathroom and up against the tile wall and kissed me, aggressively, without space for yes or no, and I kissed her back because I still wanted her to want me, but she didn’t, and then she walked out as though nothing had happened

5. Allergies

6. Breasts

7. Strangers’ opinions as to whether stripes are flattering

8. Mens’ eyes on me, always, from when I was eleven to when I got fat at twenty-five (oh, what a relief it was, in some ways, getting fat)

9. Bubblegum in my ice cream

10. The Entourage movie

11. Matthew Morrison on Broadway

12. This mosquito bite on the left side of my face

13. Cousins who will vote for Trump

14. Those moments in which nothing is wrong and yet everything is, and I don’t know why, and I don’t know how to fix it

15. The song Blurred Lines

16. Advice from my male friends on where to smog my car

17. This cowlick

18. My unshakeable conviction that the world will end in drought, a la Tank Girl, and we will all live in the desert, and I will die dry and thirsty

19. The times my grandpa told me I was getting fat


20. ALL of middle school.

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